Ask Uttara: Some Christians feel that astrology is "devil" work . . . but didn't God create the heavens and earth and the universe that astrology is based on?

Question: 

 

Some Christians feel that astrology is "devil" work (or whatever else they say)... But didn't God create the heavens and earth and the universe that astrology is based on?

Response:  

Ahhhh.  Yes.  It is true that some do think it is dark magic.  And yes, God did create the very structures astrology references.  Remember that anything that frightens the mind causes it to shut down.  People often put down or make fun of things they do not understand. 

It reminds me of a person who got quite angry at me for telling them I was a vegetarian; I mean, seriously, more meat for you to eat, okay?!  They went on to say that the Bible said that God gave us dominion over the animals and that meant we were obligated to eat them.

[Um, really?  Riiiiiiight.]

So, if someone’s source of information is a written record, such as the Bible, then you will find conflicting things about astrology (well, conflicting things about a LOT of things), even though often astrology and astronomy play a role in our Christian celebrations.  The wise men (Magi or Magicians) following a star that foretold a birth.  Many say they were astrologers and it was the astrology of the time that told them the Messiah was being born.  December 25 is the day we celebrate the return of the Son.  That date relates to an astrological phenomenon related to the Winter Solstice on December 22; the return of the Sun.   The date we celebrate Easter is still set by determining the first Sunday after the Full Moon following the Spring Equinox.

The rhythms of this planet have been used for thousands upon thousands of years by people on Earth to determine many things; and I think we are slowly realizing we ignore those rhythms to our own peril.

Astrology is a much more ancient system than Christianity; you have to realize how young Christianity is.  Recall that Jesus was Jewish!  Astrology predates recorded history and is found in most religious systems – there is a Hindu system, a Taoist system, many many systems for reading the stars and planets.  

In many cases it has been woven into modern Christianity, though not overtly.  Check out these links for information on Christianity and astrology, as well as beautiful Christian churches that feature the astrology wheel, the symbols of the zodiac, etc.

http://www.near-death.com/experiences/origen13.html

http://blog.medicinegarden.com/2011/06/zodiac-signs-in-a-catholic-church/

http://www.paradoxplace.com/Photo%20Pages/France/Chartres/Zodiac_Window/Chartres_Zodiacs.htm

But what to do about the random person who questions why you would study astrology?  First, before you argue with anyone, consider who you are talking to.  There are people who you can have real conversation and debate with; and there are people so locked into their way of thinking that it is a total waste of time.  For the judgmental folks you will encounter who simply want to put you in your place or bring you around to their way of thinking, you can tell them you find it interesting and leave it at that.  Or that you are just trying to make a decision about its worth -- many people come around to believing in astrology simply because they have tried to disprove it.

If I were to encounter someone who insinuated that it was evil, I would explain how astrology has given me a deeper understanding of God’s plan in my life; of where and how I am to serve.  For me that is a powerful truth.

For the person you encounter with whom you can truly debate and discuss, I would offer this:  the unfortunate path of some sects of the Christian Church is to remove God from everyday life and living; to make it so that you need an intermediary to access God.  A person from the Church to confess your “sins” to; a specific place and time for praying.   Someone else to conduct ritual, to make your decisions.  Some in the Church would not want you to know how powerful you are; that you can sit in meditation and access God yourself.  That you in fact play a role in creating your world and your experience here.

If I really wanted to convince someone, I would ask for their birth date and time and permission to run their chart; usually that is enough to widen someone’s eyes and make them at least take the time to explore the possibility that this ancient science exists

Anytime you are challenged in any belief you hold true to your heart -- whether it’s astrology or what school to send your kids -- you basically have three ways to go; (1) you can take their dissent and question yourself, falter in your conviction and decision making; (2) you can take their dissent and absorb it, actually figure out if it is true or accurate and allow that discussion to shape a new way of thinking; or (3) you can take what they say and that information actually makes you more secure in your conviction and knowledge.

 

Either way, do spend the time to decide what is that you truly, really believe and how to articulate it -- what speaks to your heart, your head, your gut.  And then live that truth.  But also be ready to change your mind; to say you were wrong; to allow new information or an experience in the future to shift and refine or change your truth.  As I get older there is less black and white; just more intricate shades of gray.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you.

Shanti,

Jill

Ask Uttara: I've been single for a couple of years . . .

Question:

I've been single for a couple of years and not dated in many many years. Not to sound conceited, but I do have a lot going for me and would love to be asked out on a date. I'm not looking for a lifetime commitment or anything, it would just be nice to have someone to do fun things with. I have great fun and loving friends who I spend time with and I have an active and full life - but it's not the same as having a special someone in my life. Know what I mean?

Friends sometimes tell me I am unapproachable or "intimidating." Others say, "you have to put yourself out there". And the third most popular response... "just wait, your time will come"

I'm willing to be patient and have faith, but I've heard you say more than once that we're meant to walk two by two.

What should I do? Hang out and have faith that everything is as it should be? Or push the envelope and join some on line dating site or something (eee gads!) What's your advice?

Also - I know... be careful what I wish for, right? Maybe my already not-so-simple life is enough and I'm destined to be on my own.


Response:

Dearest Reader:

If you are putting out as many mixed messages to the Universe as you have in your question, then you must first untangle some things.

Let's start at the end; about being careful for what you wish for.  What DO you wish for?  Would just doing things with someone in a no-commitment relationship be SO complicated? 

Maybe you are really wishing for something a little deeper; for real love.  It's OKAY to want real, deep, full, committed LOVE.

As Shri Shellyji has said, "two strongly together is as four against the world." 

If you are sure it's just going out and having fun, then maybe YOU could do the asking.  I'm guessing since you seem to think you should be waiting on someone to ask that you are female; let go of those old courting rules.  If you find someone interesting, invite them to do something fun.

Are you doing what you love to do?  Or waiting for someone to do it with?  There's a great quote called the Holstee Manifesto check it out here:  http://shop.holstee.com/pages/manifesto.

You indicate that friends say you are unapproachable or intimidating; and you seem to list it as the main thing people tell you when you ask why you don't think you are getting asked out on dates.  This requires some self-study.  When you think of the things that you DO having going for you, how could you possibly use those attributes to make yourself more approachable? 

Do you have walls up around yourself that you are unaware of?  You've been single for a couples years; was that your choice?  Have you done the inner work necessary in those years to heal the old wounds and prepare your heart for a new relationship? 

To come together with another we must first be complete within ourselves.  Have you been journaling?  Look back; review; we call it Tarka in Kriya Yoga.  What are the patterns in old relationships?  In current relationships?  In your relationship with yourself?  Are you looking for a companion or simply to fill a hole in your soul that really only you can fill?

What's your relationship with the Universe?  You can't really turn things over if you don't trust God/Goddess; but remember that it's not total surrender.  Only the dead fish goes with the flow.  Sometimes you need to swim like hell.

If you truly have been doing what you love to do; telling friends you'd like to date and putting it out there; and you feel you are emotionally ready for meeting new people and creating a healthy relationship; then sure, why NOT a dating website?

I have a relative who met their great love through an internet dating site; she likes to say she went "shopping" for him; and they are wonderful together.  I know other people who use it just to meet people, have coffee and talk; nothing further, no interest in taking it into the relationship zone.  Get clear on why you do what you do whenever you do it; it's called intention and it changes EVERYTHING.

In the meantime; live your life.  Work on yourself.  Wholeness attracts wholeness; wounded people attract wounded people.  Make sure you are sending out the vibration you wish to bring in.

Blessings,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How soon is too soon?

Question:

 

Jill,

How soon is too soon?  I was married for a loonngg time and have been celibate for a very long year.  I recently met a man through an on-line dating site to whom I am very attracted (pretty sure the attraction is mutual *blush*).  We've only met once for a lovely afternoon coffee date and I was immediately smitten.  We're all adults here, this is not high school, are there any rules, really?

 

Thanks ;)

Got the Itch

 

Response:

 

Congratulations!  Isn't it awesome to discover you can still get that tingly butterfly flirty fun feeling??  Being in love or even just in lust can be a really delicious emotion.  I remember thinking that perhaps I was broken and would never feel that way again. 

 

But as I would say to any one, but particularly coming out of a long marriage -- whoahh, whoahhhhhh.

 

How much do you know about this person?  Do the background checks; Google him; research him on social media.  Make sure you are actually dealing with a sane, reasonable person. 

 

Are you clear about boundaries?  Is one of you going to wake up in the morning and go shopping for wedding rings while the other one gets online to see if they have someone else lined up for dinner that night?  Where is this guy in his process -- do you want the same things out a relationship right now?

 

Are you emotionally ready for this?  For all that it entails?  Some people can engage in quick physical relationships and think they can move on, but even that has consequences -- emotional and physical!  Depending on the healing process that itch might be a scab just starting to form; don't scratch it and re-open a wound.

 

Have you figured out what went wrong in your past relationship?  Is it a pattern that you have had for a while?  How might you change that negative patterning to something healthy, positive?  And why did HIS past relationships fail?

 

Listen to your inner voice and wisdom.  Be up front; be clear; ask for what you want and need and don't engage in emotional games.  At the same time be okay with not knowing exactly how things will play out;  

 

Have fun -- fun is wonderful; and be sure to conduct yourself so that you will have absolutely NO regrets. 

 

Blessings,

 

Jill

Question: Where were you mentally and spiritually when you were 20 years old?

Question:

Where were you mentally and spiritually when you were 20 years old? Did you have any idea that you would become a yoga instructor? What were your goals, fears, and interests?

Response:

Well now; that’s a bit of a story.

Me at 20 years of age; I was living with a man 14 years my senior; engaged to be married (and we did marry soon after my 21^st  birthday).  My life was pretty intense.  I was working as a legal secretary at a huge law firm in a big city far from my family; leaving my expensive but tiny apartment at 6:50 am to catch the 7:10 am train to work; working from 9 to 5 (and getting as much overtime as possible) and returning home around 7:00 pm each night.  On a good day.

This man I was in love with was not a very nice person.  He talked a good game and I fell in love with his idea of who he was and what he could potentially be.  The reality was he was an irresponsible bully, but I never saw that until years later.  He often quit or was fired from jobs; so I worked a lot of overtime to support us; that and his habit of taking our credit card and buying whatever he desired.

Weekends and my rare free time were filled with bicycle and motorcycle rides; learning how to cook; and trips to a muscle-head gym for free-weight lifting.  I also read a lot – he introduced me to Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance; Carlos Castaneda; Robert Heinlein.

I’m pretty sure I never heard of yoga.  I do recall a fellow secretary telling me once that the computer problems at the office were due to Mercury Retrograde.  I found that line hysterically funny and for many years made fun of that reference. 

If you know my current dedication to astrology you will find that little karmic payback amusing.

Must say I didn’t have much time to think about God or spirituality; at least not that I remember.  Survival was my first task; making enough money to pay the bills, cook, clean and try to appease my lover so that he wouldn’t go off into his frequent rages. 

Little did I know that this period was my soul’s karmic plan; as hard as it was it prepared me for what has come.  When an abused woman speaks, I can hear her.  When a person relates the experience of being down to their last five bucks, yes, me too. The hamster wheel of a full-time job with no space other than to keep your nose to that grindstone; of being far from family and feeling incredibly alone even in a relationship; yep, I get it.

I also learned how hard work pays off; that good people always meet other good people -- people who will look after you and offer you safe harbor.  I learned that you are only imprisoned by your own mind and actions.  I learned that if I want something bad enough, I can make it work.  I’m just a lot more wise about where I allot that fierce determination. 

I learned how to reinvent myself, and I’ve had to do that over and over and over.

Be patient with yourself on your journey; if you have found yoga at a young age you have tremendous positive karma.  Hold to the light; be true and honest with yourself; and just like in a yoga pose, when you feel your life tipping out of balance, gently bring things back to center. 

Pay attention to what people DO, not what they SAY.  Observe how they treat children, the elderly and animals.  When you love someone, love who they are; not their potential.  Don’t be afraid to work.  Don’t be afraid of change.  Be willing to help others but not willing to be walked upon.  Have strong boundaries.  Cultivate wisdom.  Live a life with as few regrets as possible.

You are a spiritual being having a human experience; never forget.

I hope this is helpful to you. 

Shanti,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How do you keep up with your practice when you are injured?

Question: 

How do you keep up with your practice when you are injured?

Response:

That depends a LOT upon your regular practice and your injury.

First step; what's happening in your body?  What has your doctor told you NOT to do?

What hurts?  Like, actual pain?  And back that way up to do you even have a relationship with pain versus intensity; do you know the difference?

Because we're operating out of a "no pain, no gain" culture -- which is (*ahem*) a load of shit.  (Oops, parden the cussword).

But seriously; I am so tired of people encouraging pain, being okay with what is clearly harmful; feeling somewhat virtuous or special or like you've paid some kinda dues by suffering.  Because the true reality is -- your suffering serves no one.  NO ONE.

Okay, finished with my rant.

So, you have an understanding of the difference between pain and intensity (assuming here).  If it hurts -- stop.  Know the difference between "causing damage" and just "feeling weird" or something that just has to be worked through.  There is a difference.

Let us assume you are not even mobile.  Begin with maximum hydration and sleep.  Both things we all need more of.  Conscious breathing is amazing and powerful; oxygen AND lifeforce (prana/chi/the Force) pour in.  Direct your breath towards your injury and visualize healing light, warmth, love, penetrating your injury.

Even if you are bedridden you can move the spine all six ways:  forward bend, back bend, side bend (both sides), and twist (both ways).  There are lots of different ways to do this -- you can do it standing, sitting; legs crossed or extented.  With each movement choose a number of breaths (if this is your only practice at least 10 breaths per movement).  Move consciously, deliberately, slowly, mindfully. 

If you can put your legs up the wall or be upside down in some way, do it for at least 5-8 minutes.

If your injury is in the upper body, keep the legs strong; chair pose, warrior poses, lunges, triangle; keep the legs healthy and open.  If only one side is injured, keep the other side strong but try not to swing things too out of balance; one very strong leg and another weak will not serve you.

Same with a lower body injury; keep your upper body strong and pliable with plank, reverse plank, eagle arms, and side bends.

State of mind is very, very important; do not be angry at the body; what is the injury teaching you?  Have you been getting the message to slow down and not listening?  Here is your wake-up call.  Have you been too independent and not asking others for assistance?  Now you are required.

Hopefully this injury is not serious and will heal quickly; both the body and the mind.  In the meantime, cultivate a gratefulness for what your body CAN do -- and bring that gratitute into your everyday life even when you are whole and healed.

Shanti,

Jill

Ask Uttara: I found out I was pregnant and then lost my baby in the early stages . . .

Question: 

I found out I was pregnant and then lost my baby in the early stages of pregnancy; it's been really difficult for me; how can I heal physically, mentally and emotionally?

Response:

Dearest Reader -- I am so sorry for your loss.  No matter how long you carry a child there is a deep connection.

Begin with rest and relaxation; get the sleep, nutrition and pure water that you need -- those things will help body, mind and spirit.  And though you need lots of rest, be careful not to retreat too far inward -- seek out friends, conversation, social time to the extent it feels good to do so.  Don't feel the need to hide the information from your inner circle; so very many women lose a child, it is actually quite common in the early stages of the pregnancy; talking with others might be helpful to you.

Talk and be open with the child's father; hopefully he is supporting you throughout this process; be sure to keep the communication lines open and try to ask for what you need.  Sometimes men retreat inward because they are unsure how to handle emotions; talk, laugh, cry together.  Ask him to rub your feet; ask him about his grief and emotions.  Make sure he is supported and loved through this process as well.

Take walks; get out in nature; this planet has the ability to heal us all if we allow her the time and space.

Lay down and allow your breath to move throughout your body; keep relaxing and relaxing and allowing and allowing.  It's really quite magical.

Acupuncture might be a good call to balance hormones and energy levels.  Massage would be wonderful for you; gentle loving, healing touch. 

You may want to look at the website of Dr. Robin Markus, her site is nourishinglife.com -- she does a lot with yoga and breathwork to deal with women's issues.  Just met her at a retreat and was really impressed.  She has a good website and some youtube videos you might find helpful.

Be certain you are not feeling any anger towards your body; sometimes we can feel like the body has betrayed us and it has not -- things are going as they should, trust the process.

Perhaps write a letter to your baby; or do a little ritual sending them onto their next incarnation.  Some souls accomplish their work in days; others take years; we all have such an incorrect idea of time here on Earth.

Thinking of you during this difficult time, and sending healing light.

Blessings,

Jill

Ask Uttara: Letting go is something I am struggling with right now.

Question:

Letting go is something I am struggling with right now. My husband had a job interview weeks ago and still there is no word on whether he got the job. Everyday I tell myself to stop analyzing and obsessing over it. To let everything play out, but it is hard and I am constantly reminding myself to LET GO!

Dearest Reader:

Ahhhh, yes.  Often when we think of mindfulness or yoga or trusting the Universe we do indeed have to let go.  But the flip side of that is a quote (I cannot remember who to credit) -- "Only the dead fish go with the flow."

So what can you actually DO about this, besides spin all the possibilities around in your head and make yourself crazy?  I suggest trying to stay very present in each moment.  The interview is in the past and what will happen is in the future.  What are you doing about the magic moment of NOW?

Every time the mind wanders to oh-my-goodness-what-is-gonna-happen land, gently guide it back.  Observe your breath; engage in whatever it is that you are actually doing at that moment.

Be patient with your mind; of course it wants to know how things will unfold!  Remind it to trust the process and the wise energies that allow our karma to unfold.

Take some time to meditate and send positive energy towards the situation; maybe journal and write down the reasons why you feel this job would be good for your husband and seal them in an envelope and place it on a table with a flower in a vase.  Each time you see it, it will remind you that you have told the Universe the way YOU think things should work out.  Now it's up to the energies to align. 

Or not.  Because sometimes precisely what we think would be marvelous for us is NOT so marvelous.  You really don't know.

So indeed let go of the outcome; but take charge of the creative manifestation process.  Take time once a day to sit and visualize him getting the job and celebrating with you; pray; create space in your mind to just listen. 

And then live your life; stay in present-moment consciousness as much as you possibly can.  Count your breaths; walk in nature; get some exercise. 

Oh -- and do remember this great advice from the master yogi Dr. Seuss in his book Oh, the Places You'll Go!

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
                        The Waiting Place . . .

. . . for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

Deepest blessings to you both,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How to best face an unknown fear about my heath?

Question:  How to best face an unknown fear about my health?  I am seeing a surgeon about a serious medical condition; but ultimately I am scared to trust my instincts about being proactive. I don't know if I trust myself to make this decision and deal with the consequences involved.  And I am getting too many opinions from the peanut gallery that are extremely unhelpful!

Dearest Reader:

Wow – I am sorry for your suffering.   Illness is very hard to deal with; it is distracting; even if the medical issue doesn’t involve major physical pain, the mind-space of being unwell is very difficult.

Fear makes it worse.

You state that you are scared to trust your instincts; why?  Have they led you astray in the past?  Are there too many outer voices?  Inner voices? 

Your body is not at ease; dis-ease.  Disease.  Once you are aware of the condition, you attempt to begin the journey back to ease.  Initially you gather information; some of it from others.  “Others” can be trusted friends and confidants; they can be doctors and specialists.

And hopefully your information gathering includes going inward and meeting yourself.  Have you been ignoring or rationalizing symptoms?  How long as this situation REALLY been going on?  What are you doing with your mind, your diet, your lifestyle that can support your journey to wellness and wholeness and are you willing to start making those shifts RIGHT NOW?

I do hope and pray that you have the relationship with YOUR body AND with your mind where you have at least a little feeling about what is the truth.  That way when you come to a conclusion – or when someone speaks to you or gives advice; be them friend/specialist/doctor/priest; your mind either says “oh, yeah” or “oh, -- uh huh, no.”

Usually the very first impulse of the body/mind complex will tell you where to go; it is the second-guessing that is dangerous.  Do you have a personal read on the situation?  If you do then ignore everyone else; only you can see your life through your particular lense; this event is to teach you something or to usher you into a new area of life; what would that be?

Some time with a therapist or independent person could be helpful as you sort out your options in an unemotional and practical manner.  But no matter what, listen to that little inner voice that might say “don’t wait” or “this is not MY doctor” or “let’s try something alternative.”

 

Other options include prayer (when you are asking God/Goddess for direction); meditation (when you just create the mental space and perhaps God/Goddess has an opportunity to speak to you); asking your personal guides for signs and symbols; or even praying for a dream that will guide you in the proper direction.

Sending you healing light; let me know how things progress.

Deepest shanti,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How do I quiet the anxious voices in my head . . .

Question:  How do I quiet the anxious voices in my head without Lexapro . . . ha ha, I know you will suggest yoga.

Dearest Reader:

 

You know, people joke about those who hear voices in their head; I worry a lot more about people who DON’T hear voices in their head.

And, yes, doing some yoga poses will help -- to ease tension in your body, to bring awareness to your breath and to achieve a state of mindfulness.   

Mindfulness helps a lot with anxiousness and worry because it brings you into present-moment consciousness.  If you’re not churning the past around in your mind, nor leaping ahead to spin through all the possibilities of the future – if you are truly living, breathing and thinking in the here-and-now; there is no anxiousness.

Becoming more aware of those voices can actually be helpful because you can separate yourself from them.  Always remember YOU are NOT your mind and that’s what those voices are -- a manifestation of your mind.

Thing is that there are also positive voices in your head – voices that might even have some great advice and encouragement if you can hear them over the din of the negative thoughts.

Think of your mind like a radio – what channel are you tuned into?  Is the self-hatred channel?  The oh-crap-I-am-overwhelmed channel?  How about the self-empowered channel?  Or the I-access-the-Goddess-within channel?  Spending time observing the patterns of the thoughts will tell you which channel you’ve tuned into, and then it is up to you to change the patterns so that you only direct YOUR energy towards the highest and best thoughts.

I used to be so much of a worrier that I had panic attacks; being stressed was part of my identity.  Yoga changed that for me, but I still hung onto anxiety when speaking in front of groups – a serious problem when I was in yoga teacher training!  A book that helped me enormously was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  That book literally changed my relationship with worry.

Try a few moments of sitting and watching your breath; maybe even something as simple as starting at 36 and counting backwards as you breath and think “inhale 36, exhale 36; inhale 35, exhale 35 . . . “ all the way back to 1.  If you mess up the count, begin again.

Maybe journaling to move the negative thought patterns out of the mind and onto paper – ritually burning the paper that lists the negative thoughts might be helpful too.

Practice a couple yoga poses and as you practice moving your body you can also practice working with your mind – first bringing the awareness deeply into the physical body; then to the breath; and then finally to the mind; layer by layer going inward to become aware of the inner workings of your mind and its patterns.  And slowly; mindfully; changing the patterns. 

Deepest blessings, let me know if this is helpful,

Shanti (peace),

Jill

Ask Uttara: I am a mother of two who would very much like to leave my current relationship but I fear the affect on my children . . .

Question:  I am a mother of two who would very much like to leave my current relationship but I fear the affect on my children (one of which I've already put through a divorce). On one hand I feel I should do what is right for me, but on the other hand I see the affect my divorce had on my older child and I don't know if my happiness is worth my younger child's unhappiness. I am torn. You mentioned you are divorced and a mother. Can you tell me about your experience?

Dearest Reader:

Honey; pull up a chair.

First thing I will say is this -- YOU matter; YOUR happiness matters.

As much as we moms would like to bubble wrap our babes and protect them from pain and suffering, it just is not possible.  We particularly never want to be the source of their pain or suffering.  But the question is, how much of your life, your dream, your soul do you abandon or betray in order to do that?

My first divorce involved no children and it involved a very abusive man.  Once I made the decision it was very clear that it was the right thing and no one disagreed with my decision (except for him, of course).

My second divorce was very different; he is the father of my three children.  There was no abuse; just neglect and loneliness.  I knew there would be people in my life who understood my choice and others that would not.  

In the end I decided that my happiness mattered.  That I was too young to dry up inside for the sake of appearances.  Just staying for the children or for financial security was not enough glue to bind me to him. 

Telling the children was by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. When we sat them down and I said we were getting divorced they were all old enough to know immediately what that meant, and I took full responsibility because it was my choice.

I will never forget the look of betrayal in my son's eyes as my decision took the secure fabric of his life and shredded it.  I will never forget my daughter asking me why what I wanted was more important than what four other people wanted.  There have been lots of hard days -- moving day; first visitation weekend; it goes on and on, you know.  And we're still dealing with emotional fallout with the kids -- it is hard hard hard.

And I would do it again in a minute.

Pretending everything is okay is NOT okay, and I don't want to model that for my children.  They learn so much more from what you do or don't do than what you say.  I don't want my children to stay involved with people just for money or security or not to hurt their feelings  I don't want them to ignore their needs, dreams and desires to try to save someone else from suffering.  Because the thing is -- you can never protect anyone from their karma.

For whatever reason those children chose you to be their mother; and for whatever reason before you came to this planet you agreed to have a child with this man.  Sometimes it is till death do you part, but sometimes the karma is resolved before the children go off to college.  

Look around your life; do you know anyone who "stayed together for the children" who is happy?  Would you as an adult want to ever find out that your mother lived a miserable, sad life because she thought her choice would be better for you?

I think a household of happiness and joy, even if it is only one parent, is better than a household of conflict, unhappiness and tension.

Of course it is ideal to have a partner, especially when parenting.  It is hard to be "on" all the time and it economically can be especially dire for women who have left the workforce during the child birthing and early rearing phase.  If you choose to leave be practical in your decision making and planning.  

Take your time making this decision.  I find that if I make a decision and it's wrong, then I know it within a few days.  I will have trouble sleeping, will find my mind churning the decision around and around.  

Making lists can also be helpful.  What are the pros?  What are the cons?  Can you repair the relationship?  Have you tried therapy, together or individually?  Did you repeat the same mistakes that you made in the first relationship?  If so, why?  You gotta start working on YOU so that you love and care for yourself because only then can you join together with another and create a loving and healthy relationship.

Ask for a dream and guidance from your highest self.  Watch your mind, search your heart; you will make the right decision.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you.  You will be in my heart and prayers.

Blessings,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How do I bow out of a friendship that isn't what it used to be -- largely because of differences in parenting styles?

Dearest Reader:  Well; as gracefully as possible. 

Know that it is okay to walk away from anyone who makes parenting more difficult.  It is hard enough without negative outer influences.  Whether we like it or not we tend to spend a lot of time with the parents of our children's friends and if we have a choice at all we should choose people who have similar values.

 

It could be the issues with parenting are just another symptom that the relationship has run its course.  We all “outgrow” some of the people we meet on our path through life.

First thing – NO guilt.  Second thing – tell the truth, but balance it with kindness.  There is a concept in yoga called “ahimsa” which means non-violence.  And not just no hitting or punching – it mean not intentionally causing harm physically, verbally and/or mentally.

You don’t necessarily have to tell the person straight up that you are leaving the relationship; but if they come out and ask, remember to balance being truthful with not being hurtful.  Greet invitations to spend time together with the simple response that other activities are absorbing your attention right now. 

Like anything, friendships require energy and as you begin to withdraw yours from the friendship it may naturally wither without any drama or discussion.

Be careful that anything you do choose say or express (or even think!) comes from a place of non-judgement.  You can choose to disagree with choices that others make and still not judge them – you are simply choosing not to align with them.  The intention and where you are coming from on the inside really matters.

I hope this answers your question.

Deepest blessings,

Jill

 

Ask Uttara: If I only have five minutes . . . and I NEED to gather myself together... What is the best thing to do and say to myself?

Dearest Reader:

 

Wow – five minutes?  Yes, been there; I understand. 

The first thing you need to do is check in with your body; allow your breath to deepen and perhaps try a mudra (a symbolic gesture using the hands).  The grounding mudra is a good one if you are stressed, fearful or scattered -- lightly touch the tips of your thumbs to your ring fingers.  (Right hand thumb to right hand ring finger; left hand thumb to left hand ring finger).  If you are angry, confused or just don’t know what to do, then the memory mudra would be the way to go – gently touching the tips of your fingers together.  I’ve attached some photos, check them out.

Grounding Mudra

Close your eyes and breathe deeply.  Release your tongue from the roof of your mouth and soften your face.  If you have been anticipating a stressful moment or day, take a few moments to visualize the very best possible scenario.  See yourself in your mind and you are smiling; you are kind; you are being your best self. 

Hakini (Memory) Mudra

This couple moments is also a great time for you to use a mantra or prayer or any positive thinking phrase. 

 

The Sanskrit phrase “Om Namah Shivaya” will help you to access your inner wisdom.  If you don't know how to pronounce that, check it out on YouTube. 

 

The Serenity Prayer perhaps – “God/Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 

You have to choose something that is meaningful to you; it can be something you use regularly; or it may just pop into your mind in that moment.

Remember that everything in your life has prepared you for this moment; there isn’t anything you are given that you do not have the tools to deal with. 

 

And be sure that when you have MORE than five minutes that you do indeed make time for self-care, for fun, for joy in your life.  Life can be a big slog through the mud OR a joy-filled wonder; the difference is not what happens to you, but your attitude towards it.

Blessings,

 Jill 

Ask Uttara: How to help a depressed spouse without nagging?

My husband has become really down and depressed.  Even though most of our life is going pretty well he is unhappy in his job and cannot seem to see the bright side of almost anything.  This has resulted in him gaining weight and become more and more lethargic; he is also drinking more alcohol, and I know (and he knows!) that’s not helping.  How can I help him without nagging at him to start taking better care of himself? 

Dearest Reader:  Lots and lots of people are struggling right now; your husband is very blessed to have you caring and interested in his health and happiness.  First off, remember that we can never change others; we can only change ourselves.  He has got to want to get better, and even more important, he has to deeply believe he is worthy of health and happiness.

Quite often we have happiness close to our grasp and we turn away because of our lack of self-love.  Might this be a problem for your husband?  Has he ever talked about his feelings of unworthiness or does he have a pattern from childhood that might reveal poor self-image and self-esteem?  If so, counseling might be the best option – but I know, often people in these situations refuse to go talk with a stranger.

On your end you can do a variety of things; first of all, don’t go down with his ship!  It is very hard to stay positive and uplifted when your beloved is struggling; but remember self-care first; keep doing the things that keep you well and happy.  You can also model good behaviors for him; if he comes home and plops on the couch, suggest you take a walk together first.  Suggest that he take a shower and unwind before dinner – changing out of “work” clothes and into “home/relaxation” clothes is always a good idea – it subconsciously signals that you can let go of your day.  A shower also really helps to wash away the stress; there is nothing else on Earth quite like water!

If he won’t go to a counselor, maybe he would agree to see his medical doctor; have a blood panel done to see if he is deficient in essential nutrients; Vitamin D or thyroid issues can lead to very serious depression when untreated.  Help him to make wise dietary choices; to get to bed at a decent hour; and if he plops in front of the t.v. to relax, encourage positive viewing choices; the typical 10:00 pm dead body show is NOT a good choice.

 

Another option if he will not go to a counselor would be to find a life coach; someone who can encourage him to change jobs or find a profession that makes him happy and can also support you and your family.  A life coach can help him to identify his strengths and then use them to counter self-destructive habits and perhaps forge a new identity.  He needs to re-build his self-esteem and get some momentum going in order to feel capable of making the necessary changes in either what he does for work or how he goes about his work.

Finally, whenever you talk to him about your concerns, be certain you are in a positive place and are coming from a space of love and caring.  If you are even the slightest bit annoyed at his behaviors when you say something he will instantly feel that and his mind will shut down.  He will retreat back into his dark space of feeling unworthy of happiness, and maybe even unworthy of your love.

Deepest blessings to you; let me know how things go!

 

Jill