Ask Uttara: I am a mother of two who would very much like to leave my current relationship but I fear the affect on my children . . .

Question:  I am a mother of two who would very much like to leave my current relationship but I fear the affect on my children (one of which I've already put through a divorce). On one hand I feel I should do what is right for me, but on the other hand I see the affect my divorce had on my older child and I don't know if my happiness is worth my younger child's unhappiness. I am torn. You mentioned you are divorced and a mother. Can you tell me about your experience?

Dearest Reader:

Honey; pull up a chair.

First thing I will say is this -- YOU matter; YOUR happiness matters.

As much as we moms would like to bubble wrap our babes and protect them from pain and suffering, it just is not possible.  We particularly never want to be the source of their pain or suffering.  But the question is, how much of your life, your dream, your soul do you abandon or betray in order to do that?

My first divorce involved no children and it involved a very abusive man.  Once I made the decision it was very clear that it was the right thing and no one disagreed with my decision (except for him, of course).

My second divorce was very different; he is the father of my three children.  There was no abuse; just neglect and loneliness.  I knew there would be people in my life who understood my choice and others that would not.  

In the end I decided that my happiness mattered.  That I was too young to dry up inside for the sake of appearances.  Just staying for the children or for financial security was not enough glue to bind me to him. 

Telling the children was by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. When we sat them down and I said we were getting divorced they were all old enough to know immediately what that meant, and I took full responsibility because it was my choice.

I will never forget the look of betrayal in my son's eyes as my decision took the secure fabric of his life and shredded it.  I will never forget my daughter asking me why what I wanted was more important than what four other people wanted.  There have been lots of hard days -- moving day; first visitation weekend; it goes on and on, you know.  And we're still dealing with emotional fallout with the kids -- it is hard hard hard.

And I would do it again in a minute.

Pretending everything is okay is NOT okay, and I don't want to model that for my children.  They learn so much more from what you do or don't do than what you say.  I don't want my children to stay involved with people just for money or security or not to hurt their feelings  I don't want them to ignore their needs, dreams and desires to try to save someone else from suffering.  Because the thing is -- you can never protect anyone from their karma.

For whatever reason those children chose you to be their mother; and for whatever reason before you came to this planet you agreed to have a child with this man.  Sometimes it is till death do you part, but sometimes the karma is resolved before the children go off to college.  

Look around your life; do you know anyone who "stayed together for the children" who is happy?  Would you as an adult want to ever find out that your mother lived a miserable, sad life because she thought her choice would be better for you?

I think a household of happiness and joy, even if it is only one parent, is better than a household of conflict, unhappiness and tension.

Of course it is ideal to have a partner, especially when parenting.  It is hard to be "on" all the time and it economically can be especially dire for women who have left the workforce during the child birthing and early rearing phase.  If you choose to leave be practical in your decision making and planning.  

Take your time making this decision.  I find that if I make a decision and it's wrong, then I know it within a few days.  I will have trouble sleeping, will find my mind churning the decision around and around.  

Making lists can also be helpful.  What are the pros?  What are the cons?  Can you repair the relationship?  Have you tried therapy, together or individually?  Did you repeat the same mistakes that you made in the first relationship?  If so, why?  You gotta start working on YOU so that you love and care for yourself because only then can you join together with another and create a loving and healthy relationship.

Ask for a dream and guidance from your highest self.  Watch your mind, search your heart; you will make the right decision.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you.  You will be in my heart and prayers.

Blessings,

Jill