Ask Uttara: How to help a depressed spouse without nagging?

My husband has become really down and depressed.  Even though most of our life is going pretty well he is unhappy in his job and cannot seem to see the bright side of almost anything.  This has resulted in him gaining weight and become more and more lethargic; he is also drinking more alcohol, and I know (and he knows!) that’s not helping.  How can I help him without nagging at him to start taking better care of himself? 

Dearest Reader:  Lots and lots of people are struggling right now; your husband is very blessed to have you caring and interested in his health and happiness.  First off, remember that we can never change others; we can only change ourselves.  He has got to want to get better, and even more important, he has to deeply believe he is worthy of health and happiness.

Quite often we have happiness close to our grasp and we turn away because of our lack of self-love.  Might this be a problem for your husband?  Has he ever talked about his feelings of unworthiness or does he have a pattern from childhood that might reveal poor self-image and self-esteem?  If so, counseling might be the best option – but I know, often people in these situations refuse to go talk with a stranger.

On your end you can do a variety of things; first of all, don’t go down with his ship!  It is very hard to stay positive and uplifted when your beloved is struggling; but remember self-care first; keep doing the things that keep you well and happy.  You can also model good behaviors for him; if he comes home and plops on the couch, suggest you take a walk together first.  Suggest that he take a shower and unwind before dinner – changing out of “work” clothes and into “home/relaxation” clothes is always a good idea – it subconsciously signals that you can let go of your day.  A shower also really helps to wash away the stress; there is nothing else on Earth quite like water!

If he won’t go to a counselor, maybe he would agree to see his medical doctor; have a blood panel done to see if he is deficient in essential nutrients; Vitamin D or thyroid issues can lead to very serious depression when untreated.  Help him to make wise dietary choices; to get to bed at a decent hour; and if he plops in front of the t.v. to relax, encourage positive viewing choices; the typical 10:00 pm dead body show is NOT a good choice.

 

Another option if he will not go to a counselor would be to find a life coach; someone who can encourage him to change jobs or find a profession that makes him happy and can also support you and your family.  A life coach can help him to identify his strengths and then use them to counter self-destructive habits and perhaps forge a new identity.  He needs to re-build his self-esteem and get some momentum going in order to feel capable of making the necessary changes in either what he does for work or how he goes about his work.

Finally, whenever you talk to him about your concerns, be certain you are in a positive place and are coming from a space of love and caring.  If you are even the slightest bit annoyed at his behaviors when you say something he will instantly feel that and his mind will shut down.  He will retreat back into his dark space of feeling unworthy of happiness, and maybe even unworthy of your love.

Deepest blessings to you; let me know how things go!

 

Jill