Ask Uttara: How soon is too soon?

Question:

 

Jill,

How soon is too soon?  I was married for a loonngg time and have been celibate for a very long year.  I recently met a man through an on-line dating site to whom I am very attracted (pretty sure the attraction is mutual *blush*).  We've only met once for a lovely afternoon coffee date and I was immediately smitten.  We're all adults here, this is not high school, are there any rules, really?

 

Thanks ;)

Got the Itch

 

Response:

 

Congratulations!  Isn't it awesome to discover you can still get that tingly butterfly flirty fun feeling??  Being in love or even just in lust can be a really delicious emotion.  I remember thinking that perhaps I was broken and would never feel that way again. 

 

But as I would say to any one, but particularly coming out of a long marriage -- whoahh, whoahhhhhh.

 

How much do you know about this person?  Do the background checks; Google him; research him on social media.  Make sure you are actually dealing with a sane, reasonable person. 

 

Are you clear about boundaries?  Is one of you going to wake up in the morning and go shopping for wedding rings while the other one gets online to see if they have someone else lined up for dinner that night?  Where is this guy in his process -- do you want the same things out a relationship right now?

 

Are you emotionally ready for this?  For all that it entails?  Some people can engage in quick physical relationships and think they can move on, but even that has consequences -- emotional and physical!  Depending on the healing process that itch might be a scab just starting to form; don't scratch it and re-open a wound.

 

Have you figured out what went wrong in your past relationship?  Is it a pattern that you have had for a while?  How might you change that negative patterning to something healthy, positive?  And why did HIS past relationships fail?

 

Listen to your inner voice and wisdom.  Be up front; be clear; ask for what you want and need and don't engage in emotional games.  At the same time be okay with not knowing exactly how things will play out;  

 

Have fun -- fun is wonderful; and be sure to conduct yourself so that you will have absolutely NO regrets. 

 

Blessings,

 

Jill