Ask Uttara: Letting go is something I am struggling with right now.

Question:

Letting go is something I am struggling with right now. My husband had a job interview weeks ago and still there is no word on whether he got the job. Everyday I tell myself to stop analyzing and obsessing over it. To let everything play out, but it is hard and I am constantly reminding myself to LET GO!

Dearest Reader:

Ahhhh, yes.  Often when we think of mindfulness or yoga or trusting the Universe we do indeed have to let go.  But the flip side of that is a quote (I cannot remember who to credit) -- "Only the dead fish go with the flow."

So what can you actually DO about this, besides spin all the possibilities around in your head and make yourself crazy?  I suggest trying to stay very present in each moment.  The interview is in the past and what will happen is in the future.  What are you doing about the magic moment of NOW?

Every time the mind wanders to oh-my-goodness-what-is-gonna-happen land, gently guide it back.  Observe your breath; engage in whatever it is that you are actually doing at that moment.

Be patient with your mind; of course it wants to know how things will unfold!  Remind it to trust the process and the wise energies that allow our karma to unfold.

Take some time to meditate and send positive energy towards the situation; maybe journal and write down the reasons why you feel this job would be good for your husband and seal them in an envelope and place it on a table with a flower in a vase.  Each time you see it, it will remind you that you have told the Universe the way YOU think things should work out.  Now it's up to the energies to align. 

Or not.  Because sometimes precisely what we think would be marvelous for us is NOT so marvelous.  You really don't know.

So indeed let go of the outcome; but take charge of the creative manifestation process.  Take time once a day to sit and visualize him getting the job and celebrating with you; pray; create space in your mind to just listen. 

And then live your life; stay in present-moment consciousness as much as you possibly can.  Count your breaths; walk in nature; get some exercise. 

Oh -- and do remember this great advice from the master yogi Dr. Seuss in his book Oh, the Places You'll Go!

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
                        The Waiting Place . . .

. . . for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

Deepest blessings to you both,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How to best face an unknown fear about my heath?

Question:  How to best face an unknown fear about my health?  I am seeing a surgeon about a serious medical condition; but ultimately I am scared to trust my instincts about being proactive. I don't know if I trust myself to make this decision and deal with the consequences involved.  And I am getting too many opinions from the peanut gallery that are extremely unhelpful!

Dearest Reader:

Wow – I am sorry for your suffering.   Illness is very hard to deal with; it is distracting; even if the medical issue doesn’t involve major physical pain, the mind-space of being unwell is very difficult.

Fear makes it worse.

You state that you are scared to trust your instincts; why?  Have they led you astray in the past?  Are there too many outer voices?  Inner voices? 

Your body is not at ease; dis-ease.  Disease.  Once you are aware of the condition, you attempt to begin the journey back to ease.  Initially you gather information; some of it from others.  “Others” can be trusted friends and confidants; they can be doctors and specialists.

And hopefully your information gathering includes going inward and meeting yourself.  Have you been ignoring or rationalizing symptoms?  How long as this situation REALLY been going on?  What are you doing with your mind, your diet, your lifestyle that can support your journey to wellness and wholeness and are you willing to start making those shifts RIGHT NOW?

I do hope and pray that you have the relationship with YOUR body AND with your mind where you have at least a little feeling about what is the truth.  That way when you come to a conclusion – or when someone speaks to you or gives advice; be them friend/specialist/doctor/priest; your mind either says “oh, yeah” or “oh, -- uh huh, no.”

Usually the very first impulse of the body/mind complex will tell you where to go; it is the second-guessing that is dangerous.  Do you have a personal read on the situation?  If you do then ignore everyone else; only you can see your life through your particular lense; this event is to teach you something or to usher you into a new area of life; what would that be?

Some time with a therapist or independent person could be helpful as you sort out your options in an unemotional and practical manner.  But no matter what, listen to that little inner voice that might say “don’t wait” or “this is not MY doctor” or “let’s try something alternative.”

 

Other options include prayer (when you are asking God/Goddess for direction); meditation (when you just create the mental space and perhaps God/Goddess has an opportunity to speak to you); asking your personal guides for signs and symbols; or even praying for a dream that will guide you in the proper direction.

Sending you healing light; let me know how things progress.

Deepest shanti,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How do I quiet the anxious voices in my head . . .

Question:  How do I quiet the anxious voices in my head without Lexapro . . . ha ha, I know you will suggest yoga.

Dearest Reader:

 

You know, people joke about those who hear voices in their head; I worry a lot more about people who DON’T hear voices in their head.

And, yes, doing some yoga poses will help -- to ease tension in your body, to bring awareness to your breath and to achieve a state of mindfulness.   

Mindfulness helps a lot with anxiousness and worry because it brings you into present-moment consciousness.  If you’re not churning the past around in your mind, nor leaping ahead to spin through all the possibilities of the future – if you are truly living, breathing and thinking in the here-and-now; there is no anxiousness.

Becoming more aware of those voices can actually be helpful because you can separate yourself from them.  Always remember YOU are NOT your mind and that’s what those voices are -- a manifestation of your mind.

Thing is that there are also positive voices in your head – voices that might even have some great advice and encouragement if you can hear them over the din of the negative thoughts.

Think of your mind like a radio – what channel are you tuned into?  Is the self-hatred channel?  The oh-crap-I-am-overwhelmed channel?  How about the self-empowered channel?  Or the I-access-the-Goddess-within channel?  Spending time observing the patterns of the thoughts will tell you which channel you’ve tuned into, and then it is up to you to change the patterns so that you only direct YOUR energy towards the highest and best thoughts.

I used to be so much of a worrier that I had panic attacks; being stressed was part of my identity.  Yoga changed that for me, but I still hung onto anxiety when speaking in front of groups – a serious problem when I was in yoga teacher training!  A book that helped me enormously was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.  That book literally changed my relationship with worry.

Try a few moments of sitting and watching your breath; maybe even something as simple as starting at 36 and counting backwards as you breath and think “inhale 36, exhale 36; inhale 35, exhale 35 . . . “ all the way back to 1.  If you mess up the count, begin again.

Maybe journaling to move the negative thought patterns out of the mind and onto paper – ritually burning the paper that lists the negative thoughts might be helpful too.

Practice a couple yoga poses and as you practice moving your body you can also practice working with your mind – first bringing the awareness deeply into the physical body; then to the breath; and then finally to the mind; layer by layer going inward to become aware of the inner workings of your mind and its patterns.  And slowly; mindfully; changing the patterns. 

Deepest blessings, let me know if this is helpful,

Shanti (peace),

Jill

Ask Uttara: I am a mother of two who would very much like to leave my current relationship but I fear the affect on my children . . .

Question:  I am a mother of two who would very much like to leave my current relationship but I fear the affect on my children (one of which I've already put through a divorce). On one hand I feel I should do what is right for me, but on the other hand I see the affect my divorce had on my older child and I don't know if my happiness is worth my younger child's unhappiness. I am torn. You mentioned you are divorced and a mother. Can you tell me about your experience?

Dearest Reader:

Honey; pull up a chair.

First thing I will say is this -- YOU matter; YOUR happiness matters.

As much as we moms would like to bubble wrap our babes and protect them from pain and suffering, it just is not possible.  We particularly never want to be the source of their pain or suffering.  But the question is, how much of your life, your dream, your soul do you abandon or betray in order to do that?

My first divorce involved no children and it involved a very abusive man.  Once I made the decision it was very clear that it was the right thing and no one disagreed with my decision (except for him, of course).

My second divorce was very different; he is the father of my three children.  There was no abuse; just neglect and loneliness.  I knew there would be people in my life who understood my choice and others that would not.  

In the end I decided that my happiness mattered.  That I was too young to dry up inside for the sake of appearances.  Just staying for the children or for financial security was not enough glue to bind me to him. 

Telling the children was by far the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. When we sat them down and I said we were getting divorced they were all old enough to know immediately what that meant, and I took full responsibility because it was my choice.

I will never forget the look of betrayal in my son's eyes as my decision took the secure fabric of his life and shredded it.  I will never forget my daughter asking me why what I wanted was more important than what four other people wanted.  There have been lots of hard days -- moving day; first visitation weekend; it goes on and on, you know.  And we're still dealing with emotional fallout with the kids -- it is hard hard hard.

And I would do it again in a minute.

Pretending everything is okay is NOT okay, and I don't want to model that for my children.  They learn so much more from what you do or don't do than what you say.  I don't want my children to stay involved with people just for money or security or not to hurt their feelings  I don't want them to ignore their needs, dreams and desires to try to save someone else from suffering.  Because the thing is -- you can never protect anyone from their karma.

For whatever reason those children chose you to be their mother; and for whatever reason before you came to this planet you agreed to have a child with this man.  Sometimes it is till death do you part, but sometimes the karma is resolved before the children go off to college.  

Look around your life; do you know anyone who "stayed together for the children" who is happy?  Would you as an adult want to ever find out that your mother lived a miserable, sad life because she thought her choice would be better for you?

I think a household of happiness and joy, even if it is only one parent, is better than a household of conflict, unhappiness and tension.

Of course it is ideal to have a partner, especially when parenting.  It is hard to be "on" all the time and it economically can be especially dire for women who have left the workforce during the child birthing and early rearing phase.  If you choose to leave be practical in your decision making and planning.  

Take your time making this decision.  I find that if I make a decision and it's wrong, then I know it within a few days.  I will have trouble sleeping, will find my mind churning the decision around and around.  

Making lists can also be helpful.  What are the pros?  What are the cons?  Can you repair the relationship?  Have you tried therapy, together or individually?  Did you repeat the same mistakes that you made in the first relationship?  If so, why?  You gotta start working on YOU so that you love and care for yourself because only then can you join together with another and create a loving and healthy relationship.

Ask for a dream and guidance from your highest self.  Watch your mind, search your heart; you will make the right decision.

I hope this is somewhat helpful to you.  You will be in my heart and prayers.

Blessings,

Jill

Ask Uttara: How do I bow out of a friendship that isn't what it used to be -- largely because of differences in parenting styles?

Dearest Reader:  Well; as gracefully as possible. 

Know that it is okay to walk away from anyone who makes parenting more difficult.  It is hard enough without negative outer influences.  Whether we like it or not we tend to spend a lot of time with the parents of our children's friends and if we have a choice at all we should choose people who have similar values.

 

It could be the issues with parenting are just another symptom that the relationship has run its course.  We all “outgrow” some of the people we meet on our path through life.

First thing – NO guilt.  Second thing – tell the truth, but balance it with kindness.  There is a concept in yoga called “ahimsa” which means non-violence.  And not just no hitting or punching – it mean not intentionally causing harm physically, verbally and/or mentally.

You don’t necessarily have to tell the person straight up that you are leaving the relationship; but if they come out and ask, remember to balance being truthful with not being hurtful.  Greet invitations to spend time together with the simple response that other activities are absorbing your attention right now. 

Like anything, friendships require energy and as you begin to withdraw yours from the friendship it may naturally wither without any drama or discussion.

Be careful that anything you do choose say or express (or even think!) comes from a place of non-judgement.  You can choose to disagree with choices that others make and still not judge them – you are simply choosing not to align with them.  The intention and where you are coming from on the inside really matters.

I hope this answers your question.

Deepest blessings,

Jill

 

Ask Uttara: If I only have five minutes . . . and I NEED to gather myself together... What is the best thing to do and say to myself?

Dearest Reader:

 

Wow – five minutes?  Yes, been there; I understand. 

The first thing you need to do is check in with your body; allow your breath to deepen and perhaps try a mudra (a symbolic gesture using the hands).  The grounding mudra is a good one if you are stressed, fearful or scattered -- lightly touch the tips of your thumbs to your ring fingers.  (Right hand thumb to right hand ring finger; left hand thumb to left hand ring finger).  If you are angry, confused or just don’t know what to do, then the memory mudra would be the way to go – gently touching the tips of your fingers together.  I’ve attached some photos, check them out.

Grounding Mudra

Close your eyes and breathe deeply.  Release your tongue from the roof of your mouth and soften your face.  If you have been anticipating a stressful moment or day, take a few moments to visualize the very best possible scenario.  See yourself in your mind and you are smiling; you are kind; you are being your best self. 

Hakini (Memory) Mudra

This couple moments is also a great time for you to use a mantra or prayer or any positive thinking phrase. 

 

The Sanskrit phrase “Om Namah Shivaya” will help you to access your inner wisdom.  If you don't know how to pronounce that, check it out on YouTube. 

 

The Serenity Prayer perhaps – “God/Goddess, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.

 

You have to choose something that is meaningful to you; it can be something you use regularly; or it may just pop into your mind in that moment.

Remember that everything in your life has prepared you for this moment; there isn’t anything you are given that you do not have the tools to deal with. 

 

And be sure that when you have MORE than five minutes that you do indeed make time for self-care, for fun, for joy in your life.  Life can be a big slog through the mud OR a joy-filled wonder; the difference is not what happens to you, but your attitude towards it.

Blessings,

 Jill