Question: Staying Positive Around Negative People You Cannot Avoid

Question:

A lot of articles on being happy suggest removing yourself from negative people, or only surrounding yourself with people who share a similar positive outlook and interest in growth. It's a nice idea, but what do you do when that's not feasible? If it is your spouse or another close family member that is negative, and unchanging despite talking with them about it?

Response:

There are two responses here, because I think that dealing with a close family member is one thing; a spouse is a whole other hot mess. 

Big hurray for talking with them about it and trying to create a dialog.  Often not only does someone's negative attitude make US crazy, we can see from the outside looking in that it makes THEM crazy.  But some people really get attached to their crazy.  They have no interest in change and often that is where the negativity begins to take root -- they don't want to take responsibility for their life, their circumstances, so they are always blaming others, seeing the downside.

It's freaking exhausting to be around them.

So you must set clear boundaries.  I am particularly harsh when it comes to people who stay in relationship with family members who are not nice people or have truly done great harm.  I do not have the "blood is thicker" attitude.  To me, toxic people are toxic people; you limit your exposure and you do not concern yourself much with what other people think, or what those family members may think.  It's just like removing yourself from things that your society may value but you do not -- it may feel like swimming upstream, you might upset some folks.  That is okay, you must honor your truth and preserve your sanity. 

But you remember always that you have karma with these people; they are in your life for a reason and a purpose; you drew them in.  What do they have to teach you?  Has the lesson been learned?  Can you see why you had to be in relationship with them?  Can you see how to be safely in relationship with them?

You don't have to return their negative energy; but limit your exposure.  To resolve the karma make sure you are clear in your actions and your words; take responsibility for your choices and do not be afraid to be who you are.  Whenever you pray or meditate, wrap them in light; bless their every breath and forgive their every action.  They are operating with a limited horizon of awareness; you are held to a higher standard because you KNOW better. 

When I pray for people in my life who I would rather NOT be in my life, I always make sure I visualize them standing apart and away from me as I wrap them in light.  It fascinating how your compassion can arise and help to neutralize your negative emotions and ease the memories of past difficulties and disagreements.

NOW . . . if this person is your spouse?  You have some decisions to make.  Because a lifetime of trying to make peace and live with someone who basically has a different moral code than you can be beyond difficult.  Hanging in there with this type of relationship can end up crippling you both.  In my experience once you realize you are a spiritual being on a path -- your path!  Wow, a purpose!  Once you realize this, if the people whose lives are closely linked with yours do not also discover their own path and their own way to progress, trouble ensues. 

The term for community in yoga is "sangha" and it's important.  To surround yourself with like- minded people is a requirement in many of the sacred texts that I am familiar with.  And it makes perfect sense.  Why make it so hard on yourself?  It's like trying to be an ice skater in Hawaii -- it can be done, but why the struggle?  It just sucks your prana.

The Bible reminds us that when two or three are gathered in my name, I am there.  We come together and we become more powerful than the sum of our parts.  That is part of the beauty of being in a committed relationship -- you make each other better; you help each other grow.  Is this person making you a better person?  Can you grow in this relationship and become the greatest and best you?

You cannot talk your spouse into changing; they have to want to change.  And you can keep adapting, explaining, avoiding; but those days are numbered.  Watch carefully for bitterness or resentment to begin to build for you -- those poisons will harm you in slow and insidious ways.  Make sure if you feel angry that you move that energy -- exercise is good, a strong forceful kapalabhati breath might work too. 

I would suggest counseling for you both, together and separately.  This is an issue no different than any other major game-changing issue.  How much do you both want this relationship?  That question will be tested as you move through this decision.

I make the same suggestion for the family member -- wrap your spouse in light when you pray for them.  Wrap the relationship in light if you want it to succeed. 

Take action often to energetically cleanse your house; light incense or burn sage with the intention of releasing any negativity, even if it didn't originate with you.  Put sea salt under the doormat to help demagnetize any negative energy from your spouse when they come home.

I will close with a quote that you might find helpful and instructive as well:

If you find your “here and now” intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options:  remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally.  If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now.  Then accept the consequences.  No excuses.  No negativity.  No psychic pollution.  Keep your inner space clear.

 --Eckhart Tolle

I wish you luck and Blessings,

Shanti,

Jill
  

Ask Uttara: Dreams About Fire

Question: 

Ever since the new year my dreams have involved fire in some way - my house burning down, other houses burning, my car smoking then catching fire, etc. what does this mean?

Response:

First thing, do know that SOMETIMES dreams can be predictive or sent as a warning.  So please exercise caution when driving, cooking, lighting candles -- everything -- be a little more careful than normal with not only fire but anything "Mars" related -- knives, tools, cars, etc.

There are many ways to interpret dreams; one of the first ways is to simply examine the emotions felt throughout the dream.  So what did the fire inspire in you?   Fear?  Panic?  Confusion?  Surprise?  Write down the emotions and then look at your waking life and see where those emotions are also being triggered.  The dream could just be a way to process those emotions.

Another way to look at the dream is to see everything and everyone in the dream as some aspect of you.  What does the fire represent to you?  My personal interpretation would be change; breaking down something to be recreated or reborn in the "fire" of your awareness.  It could be a change in your actual home or emotional home.

Did you make any resolutions for the New Year?  Did any of them involve transformation?  Or applying the "fire" of your resolve to shift things in your life or within your self?  The Fire Chakra is Mars/Manipura -- right around the belly button/small of the back.  Any particular issues with that part of your body?  That Chakra also relates to power and will -- any issues regarding either of those things?

Goswami Kriyanandaji always said the dreams give you a three-day heads to up to things that are coming; so perhaps begin to write down the dreams as soon as you wake; don't even get out of bed before you start to write, sometimes even shifting around into different positions while still in bed can help trigger your memory of the dream and fill in some details.  And then check back with your dream journal to see if you can decipher what your subconscious was trying to tell you.

Remember that YOU are always going to be your own best dream interpreter; only YOU have seen and experienced YOUR life; every experience you have creates samskaras, karmic filters through which you experience your world in a totally unique way. 

Dreams are an amazing source of information and noticing them is a great way to demonstrate to your subconscious mind and to your angels and guides that you are willing to listen to guidance and strengthen your intuition.  Learning to trust yourself is one of the greatest lessons we have to learn in this Earth life.

Let me know how you are doing!

Shanti,

Jill